Friday, April 8, 2011
Welcome to the Bipolar Day to Day Reality Blog, My name is Miranda
This blog has been created for bipolar people and their friends and families to come together and share their experiences with this illness. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 in 2003 and have been on medication since. I have good days and bad. I have depressed days and manic. I am currently finishing up my Master's degree in psychology and begin my Ph.D in psychology in the fall of this year. Sometimes I wonder how I go on and how I will do it. I am a mother of two special needs children and have been married for 13 years. The other day I was doing ok, then all of a sudden, I became hypo manic and started to think of how I could make money. My unemployment was running out and I wanted to do an at home business. I began to plan a business in which I would go to other people's homes and do massages and then have sex with them. After I came out of my mania, I was in disbelief at what I had been thinking. I was thinking that this was a great idea! But then, I realized it was my mania and I could not believe that I had been considering such an idea. This is the life of a bipolar. Please appropriately share your experiences. This is meant to be a community diary of your ups, downs and challenges. A place to write about the disturbing thoughts and behaviors that you may not be comfortable talking to others about.
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Today is Sunday, April 10th. I went to church and always feel so much better after I do. I do not know what I would do without Christ's forgiveness of my sins. I have sinned so much and without knowing that I have been forgiven, I am not sure if I could function day to day with all of that sin on my shoulders. I am supposed to start my new medication, Saphris, on Monday night because my husband will be off the two days after and I am not sure what reaction I will have. I will have him keeping an eye out for me. I am honestly afraid of the effects of the medication. Whenver they try something knew, I don't do well. But I need to address the mania and the wild thoughts that I have when under that mania. I will continue to blog my ordeal:) If I don't blog for a few days it probably means that I am so sedated that I can't function or I had a bad reaction. Take care.
ReplyDeleteImpulsiveness is the bi-polar person’s nemesis! Impulsive behaviors are often what cause a great source of pain. For instance, many of my past behaviors during mania that I most ashamed of come from an uncontrollable and unforeseeable impulsiveness. I really enjoy the smell of gasoline. I have since I was a child. About four months ago I found myself in the garage with my nose in the gas can. I was not doing it to get high, so I thought; I simply love the smell of gas. I found myself doing this more and more often. The time before last I “huffed” the gasoline longer than I normally do. I felt relaxed and my body felt so warm and peaceful. This is when I realized that I was not only doing this because I enjoyed the smell, but now because I was feeling at peace and there was a quiet in my head. I did some research on huffing gasoline and there was allot of startling information on the internet. I also spoke with my doctor and was honest with her about my insatiable cravings for gasoline. She said that it was very dangerous and that research cannot tell us if you can suffer severe brain damage the first time or the hundredth time you huff. I was huffing during the times that I was attempting to stop smoking. On or about the eight day I could no longer make it and would go to the garage for some relief. I decided after doing the research and talking with my doctor about it that I would no longer do it. That was about six weeks ago. Today I was taking the garbage out and unscrewed the gas scan and took a few huffs. I could not believe it once I got back into the house that I had just done that. I also did not know why I did that. I do not want to leave my children without a mother. Worse, I do not want to be some brain damaged invalid (of my own doing) in a nursing home because I can no longer take care of myself. I was so upset. Again, my nemesis, impulsivity.
ReplyDeletePlease let me add to my last post by saying that I am being tested for anemia (which I often am) and that I am having my doctor re-check my thyroid. The anemia can be the culprit in the cravings for non edible items. It is called PICA. I so hope that I am severely anemic because then I know that I can get better. I am soooooooooo tired all the time. Physically beyond fatigued. I have ok days then days that it takes great effort to move from one room of my house to the other. That can also be the symptoms of hypothyroidism (which I have and am on meds for). So, I really hope that one of those is causing my fatigue so that I have hope to get better. I have had to have iron infusion IV therapy twice before so I do have hope. Take care!
ReplyDeleteHI there, I finally got my anemia results back. They were allot worse than I could have ever imagined. My ferretin level is at a 2.7. That basically means that I have no iron in my body and that I should be at or around a 90. My hematologist said that he was very surprised that my bone marrow was still functioning. That was the scary part. I go in on Tuesday to have a 6-8 hour mass infusion of iron. I am nervous because he said that my bones may hurt for 3 days after. He said that my body is used to having no iron and that the infusion will kick my bone marrow into overdrive. I am wondering what I will feel like. I am so used to feeling so awful and fatigued. Just getting up to go to the bathroom can sometimes feel like running a 5k. When I get up from the couch, my heart starts pounding so hard and I feel like I am going to pass out. This happens every time I get up. I am so out of breath and tired. I am so grateful for my hematologist and the fact that I get to get all of my iron in one infusion. The doctor then said that he will check my iron again in 6 weeks and possibly give me another infusion depending on my ferretin levels. I wonder how I will feel, if I will be more active. I have pretty much maintained my weight (which has always been an issue) for the last year of complete inactivity. So now, I wonder if I have more energy and become more active, if I will be able to get some of my unwanted pounds off. I want to lose 25 pounds and put on about 6 pounds of muscle. I have been so inactive for so long that I have no muscle and am so weak. I used to be in much better shape and work out and go for long walks and hike. Now just getting to the toilet feels like a hike. Wish me luck. I will check in again soon. I will keep you up to date on how I feel and how much the iron infusions change my energy level. I just can’t wait. I am that happy. By the way, I have not started that new medication yet. I am going to wait and see how I feel after the infusions. As we know, any physical problems can affect our bi-polar and I do not want to put myself on some heavy duty anti-psychotic if I can just feel better and excersize after I get my iron. The smaller answers are sometimes the better. I am not sure if an additional pill is the answer this time. However, I will not reject the idea at a later time.
ReplyDeleteI had the infusion yesteday. I feel a little off today and have been laying down most of the day. I am very excited about the infusion and the effects. The doctor told me that it could be 2-4 weeks before I start feeling better. I wonder how this will effect my bipolar. I can't wait to see that. I really do not want to start that new medication...or any for that matter.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I stopped smoking on monday. I am using the fake cigg that gives you nicotine. The last several times I stopped I found myself wanting to smell the gasoline can. Don't know what to do if this happens again. It is like I have to have some vice in my life to make it.
ReplyDelete